Not Bad...

Weekend was rather nice. Friday at work was rather long and dry. Don't know why I was anticipating the weekend didn't have much planned. Friday after work me and mini me ran a few errands for little things like body wash, shampoo, soap and cotton balls. We chilled in the house watching TV while I took her braids out. After that we both were tired and went to bed.
Saturday we went to a wedding reception/cookout celebration thingy... It was hot as Haiti's outside my speedometer reached 110 in the car. We didn't leave out till 2. We got up and ate. I washed mini me's hair and bathed her. Did her hair got in the shower did my hair and we waited awhile till we decided to leave. We went and got mani's and pedi's. After we were done we picked up Nana and headed to the shindig. It was still hot a f**** but we manage to enjoy ourselves. FI met us there and mini me had a ball running around with the kids. All in all it was a nice gathering, good food and camaraderie. We stayed till about 8. Said our goodbyes to the couple, made to-go plates, and kissed goodbye. FI went to work and I took Nana home before we headed in the house and passed out. I don't remember when mini-me got in my bed but when I woke up all the lights and TVs were on and I was sore from being confined to one spot in the bed not able to shift and move around.
Sunday we got up and I met a friend of mine at the mall. Took mini-me to build a bear  to do her thing as promised. Then we shopped around for an outfit for me to wear the night I go out to celebrate my bday and also a casual outfit to wear when me and FI go out. Then I realized I needed an outfit for my sisters party and my moms party. We all celebrate bdays in the next upcoming weeks. Along with my dad, brother, sister in-law, 2 friends and a cousin. August is like Christmas regarding the gift giving, receiving and the festivities...I'm almost satisfied with what I bought. I just have to take the time out to put everything together and lay them out on my bed to see what it what. I still gotta buy a bad ass pair of shoes. After we shut the mall down mini me and I went grocery shopping. I spent too damn much this weekend but I'm set so I don't have to spend anymore till next pay day so I'm good.  I think....
I'm ready to crash and get ready for the work week now. Weekend was pretty good.

Hugs & Butterfly Kisses xoxox

At Wits In.

The 4 year old has gotten the best of me. I'm beyond overwhelmed she only been home 24 hours and she is back at it and worse than before she left. Her mouth is the worst. The whining, crying and tantrums are wearing thin. Things with FI aren't where they should be either.  More time than enough I think about getting in my car and leaving it all behind. Everything,

They say god never puts more on you than you can handle. Can someone send him the memo that I'm overwhelmed and broken. :(

Edit: 3/3/2013 Just reflecting on old posts posted and posts still being held as drafts before I start fresh taking this blog in a different direction.
This was originally written 3 years ago

TGIF!!

Where I Am.....

"jealousy often comes because you do not believe that God will do the same for you as He is doing for someone else" - T.D. JAKES

There are times when we think to ourselves, "Why couldn't that be me?", "Why can't I have that?", "How come that doesn't happen to me?" - we've all had those moments. Everyone at some point in their life has felt moments of jealousy and what this quote says to me, is that I shouldn't ask those questions, because if those things are meant for me - it will happen for me - but it will happen on Gods time, not mine! I try to be grateful for everything and everyone I have in my life, but naturally there are some times when I'm not satisfied with my own situation which makes me look those who I think are more fortunate than myself


Where I Plan To Be.....
 
everything we go through is for a purpose and is to teach us some sort of lesson.Yes I believe in God, but I also believe that we as individuals are responsible for ourselves as well. If there is something we want, it is up to us to hustle and get it. If you want to make more money, live in nicer home, have a nicer body, find peace, whether it's something materialistic or emotional, it is up to us to get it ourselves...nothing is owed to us. The fact that you're able to wake every morning is the biggest gift we can ask for...because its another day towards shaping the future you want...
 (Thanks Jin)
Enjoy Your Weekend...Be Breezy!

Hugs and Butterfly Kisses

I Miss Mini Me ( a little)

I love my Mini Me! She is SO sweet, innocent, adorable, lovable, sensitive, caring, funny, kind, strong-willed, compassionate, smart, thoughtful, beautiful and amazing. Seriously. I know, I know, everyone thinks their own kids are the best, but she really is. :) I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing daughter. I know I get frustrated at times and am FAR from being a perfect mother but she is perfect for me. And there is no mother in the history of the world who has loved her children more than I love my mini me. Thank you, Mini Me, for all you are to me!

I Just Dont Care.

I been working on a post I started two days ago. I guess I will post or trash it sooner or later.
I have really been in a I don't care mood all week. About EVERYTHING. That's not good. I guess I should correct it or str8ten up before I start to burn some bridges.  Mini Me has been gone all week and I have not taken advantage of this break to go out and be grown or reconnect with any of my friends. I don't even plan on going out Friday. I just don't care. I got in the office an hour late this morning. I knew I was gonna be late the first time and the 6th time I hit the snooze button. I didn't care. I took my time showering, ironing my clothes, dressing, doing my hair, I even sat down and ate breakfast. There wasn't any kind of pep in my step as I walked to catch the metro or any type of urgency to get up the escalator to catch the arriving train since the next one wouldn't arrive for another 7 minutes. I just didn't care I was just floating and existing.  When I got to work and took my time crossing the street, that's when it hit me I just don't care. The final  clue was after I got to my desk I hit the power button to turn my PC on and then I stepped outside to smoke a black. Those who know me knows what that indicates. STRESS..... I guess I'll be going to my favorite spot to meditate and try to de-stress after work.  I need to do something before I self destruct. As I sit here and type this I dont see this as an "I dont care mood" its more like "FUCK IT". I need the I Dont Care Mood to not get attached emotionally to all these houses we been viewing and crossing off the list because it just isnt "The One or Right For US". Ok vent over. I know there are typos and grammatical error. But you guessed it I Dont Care. Figure it out and comment in the comment section. My phone is dead and charging at the moment because I didnt care enough to charge it last night.  Fuck It!

Just Blah..... (Unfinished To Be Continued)

Still in a Blah Kinda Mood.
So I'm on the train and I get a glimpse of my reflection. Oh boy you can tell I'm bothered by something. That was kinda disturbing to me because now I know I cant hide it anymore. I now give ppl the evil eye who tell me to "smile" or "stop looking so mean". At this point "looking so mean seems to be a natural everyday expression for me"

Anyway I turn on the ipod (on shuffle) to perk up a little and Speak to My Heart by Donnie McClurkin comes on. Man I'm on the verge of tears as I get caught up in the words and my thoughts. I'm sitting there trying to get a grasp of what is the root on my discomfort. I've just been in a funk these past few weeks and I cant find my way out.Over and over I hear FI's voice in my head saying "I cant remember the last time I saw you smile". That hurts. Things that normally would make me smile now have no affect on me. Its getting harder for me to be happy for certain other ppl's happiness.  My patience is wearing thin and I'm tired of  Just Standing. Ive never been one to just sit and wait for things to happen. I'm more so into putting in the work to make things happen and get what I want. This just waiting is killing me.

 (7/15/2010 I'm having a hard time completing this one so lets just say To Be Continued.....)

Same Ish.....Different Day

What a week this has been already.




Friday the Troll went over her dad house. She been trying all week to get out there but I haven’t had the energy to take her nor was her dad's schedule accommodating. So he came and got her Friday morning. I guess because I didn’t want to be at work the day took longer. When I got off I ran a few errands (saw Riddick Bo in he Beauty Supply store that man looking rough) and then went home and cleaned my apt., chilled and chatting with my cousin. Then called it a night after washing and twisting my hair. (This whole natural hair thing requires a lot of work and patience to maintain. Don’t know how much longer I can go without the creamy crack.)



Saturday we met with the realtor (the old) to go visit a few house. 3 out of the 6 were perfect 1 was under contract before we even got to the front door. The second was perfect minus a few negatives but the biggest negative was the space. We all had our own space but there was no room for entertaining. Thinking back on all the Holiday dinners I have hosted and the birthdays parties to come. I wasn’t willing to give that up. Besides FI wasn’t 100% on the location anyway. The 3rd house was OK. But the sump pump in the middle of the master bedroom and no shower in the master bath was a deal breaker. So the search continues. The rest of the day we chilled in the house up under each other, spooning, sleeping and catching up on shows he's gotten me addicted to. The Troll was in and out the house playing with the neighbors kids and her lil cousin.



Sunday me and the Troll chilled in the house. I was suppose to take her back to her dads but I wasn’t feeling that great. We lounged and ate all day. Monday morning still not 100 % but I got up showered got dressed, bathed the Troll and took her to her dads. I intended on going in to work late but I just didn’t feel up for it. So I called in. Went home changed into PJ’s and took a nap. I woke up with a headache. I tried to feed it but it wouldn't go away. I lounged for a while and got the DVR down to 55% free space. Dinner was interesting, baked potato and fish sticks. I have to get creative when the Troll is there but last night I didn’t feel like much cooking. So while the potato baked I co-washed my hair and flat twisted it. I watched HGTV for the rest of the night after I ate. I was relaxed but something just wasn’t right. I attempted to got to bed a little after mid-night but that was a fail. I tossed and turned all night. I finally fell asleep somewhere around 5 ish but was back up again around 630 playing tag with the snooze button. I finally got up showered and dressed then took my hair out. What a FAIL but I expected that. Maybe if I liked big hair I would have been all for it. But it wasn’t me. So I did a wash n go It felt good to get up get dressed and get out the house without the normal hassle with.

Rough Week...

Oh boy I don't know where to start.. I promise these will get better and wont all be depressing.

 Lets start with The Troll (mini me) first.

Well she went away with her aunt & uncle for the weekend (for future references we will call them aunt and uncle cowboy boots) for the weekend and that was beautiful. I spent Friday night in the house washing and flat ironing my hair. A job I normally hate doing but was ok with it Friday because the house was peaceful and I didn't have to stop and go check to see what she was up to every 5 minutes. I was able to extend my hot oil treatment and work at my pace. I got to binge on fruit and chips and not have to share and watch some of my TiVo uniterrupted but I swear I am so behind its down to 31% of free space. Ill get to it before summer is over and my regular shows start back up. I hope. I got to sleep in Saturday and chill in the house for as long as I wanted no man, no kids, no chaos. Just me and the pooch. I finally showered, got dressed and left to go spend the remainder of the evening with FI (the fiancé) we went to the movies and out to eat. We saw 2 movies and had dinner and drinks in between the 2. I really enjoyed the time we spent together.  I was sad to see the time go by so fast. We went back to his house to chill for a while and then I went home. I didn't bring any clothes and the pooch was home alone. I got to sleep in and rest again till about 2:30 when Uncle Cowboy Boots called to say he would have the Troll home by 400 no later than 430.  He arrived at 4 on the nose. We sat outside and chatted for a while and then he was on his way. We got in the house and the Troll told me all about her weekend, showed me her new panties (potty training has been a task). I made her put on a pull-up because we were getting ready to step out and there wasn't going to be any bathrooms I would be comfortable with her using where we were going. I haven't had the chance to teach her how to use a public restroom yet. Anyway the ride and time in Home Depot exploring paint, floor tiles and pricing appliances went ok.  We got to the grocery store and that's when her smart mouth tested my patience. If we were home I would have plucked her in the mouth a few times. She didn't get everything she wanted but after 2 hours, yes 2 hours, in the grocery store we headed home with 1 stop to 7-11 and that's it. The Troll didnt even help with the grocery bags either.The remainder of the night she plucked my nerves running in and out and up and down the stairs between my house and my aunts house. When I finally made her stop, it was crying and whining the rest of the night until she finally fell asleep after she snuck and ate 3 cups of chocolate pudding. Monday after work I cooked her dinner and then my own(she still has a appetite that needs adjusting)  she ate I gave her  juice with dinner.  A  few hours later after I told her to go get ready for bed she cried cuz she couldn't have more juice I explained over and over why she couldn't so she would not pee in the bed. She didn't care she still whined. After a few threats with the belt she laid down on the couch to go to sleep since she claims her bed is too hard. Then she said she was scared of the dark yet the TV was on. So she asked me to turn the TV off so she could go to bed and plug her night light up. I did and when I sat down on my bed I heard clicking so I muted my TV and it was constant I crept in the family room where it was coming from and she was on the floor playing with the night light so she got plucked I unplugged the night light and made her go in the bedroom and get in her bed,. She started screaming that she wanted to watch her show and that she was thirsty. I explained why she cant have anything else to drink and why her TV watching privileges have now been revoked. So now she claim she freezing but don't want to put on warm PJ's. I got tired of the screaming and crying so I called my mom and told her come rescue her twin before she come up missing. Her talking and bribes with the troll didn't help the situation much either. I ended the call fed up the Troll so she got spanked and sent to bed after I made her put her PJ's on. She sniffled and had little crying spells but she eventually fell asleep 2 comforters, a blanket, and 2 hours later. Tuesday was the same but she was just thirsty and she cried for 1 hour and then fell asleep. Wednesday, same deal but at this point I cant take it anymore. She had me even questioning rather motherhood was for me. I couldn't understand why she was putting me through this. I called FI told him he needs to come get her. Whatever calmness I had reached during my mommy break was long gone. His only solution was to drop her off with him FRIDAY (it was Wednesday and  I needed relief right then)and that the reasons for her actions was because she is spoiled. (I will not take sole blame for that Dropping her off will only give me a brief break but when she comes back home to structure its going to be hell on earth again. I almost wanted to cry. Thursday wasn't as bad but G-Pa pissed me off a little by backing out of his Thursday's with her. He has done that the pass 3 weeks lately. But after I fed her and she didn't eat I made it clear for her to not ask me for anything. No juice, no wii, no she cant get her nails painted and no snacks.  Several "leave me alone troll" 's later. She got a little tired. She got in her bed, I read to her then she read to herself and she was out. this morning she didn't want to get up.Tonight as soon as I pack her stuff she is outta there.

Work.

Well I have been snoozing on the job and sleepy all day at work lately. Even been late a couple of times this week. If I could just go to bed at night at a decent time that would be great. However, that's not realistic right now being up all hours of the night trying to force the troll to go to bed and fussing with her about no more drinking before bed. Then weeding thru all her excuses. Its hard to ignore "mommy", "mommy", "mommy","ma", "mother", "ma", "mommy" and "MAAAAAAAAA" over and over and then when I acknowledge her she asks for something she knows she cant have and knows why. When she finally falls out I'm too wired to fall asleep yet too tired to take a shower which means I have to shower in the morning which means I have to get up extra early to do that and then get her to get up and get her moving. But I cant get out of bed when the clock goes off and I hit that snooze button a few times. I did however talk to my manager and told him this week has been long and stressful, he says he understands just don't take advantage of his looking away from the clock when I finally make it in the office this week. I hope to start next week off better and on time.

My evaluation went well and I got a pay raise.

The House.

Those 2 issues above have been enough to deal with alone. The house we were interested in and just waiting out the process of our scores to get adjusted. Has been weighing heavy on my mind. I was concerned about the repairs that needed to be done. How much it was gonna cost us?  Whether inspection was gonna go well and whether the inspector was gonna be honest. Watching HGTV about these ppl houses and false inspection reports was worrying me a little. When I talked to FI about it he really didn't want to get that involved in thought until we were actually going through the process which I thought was kind of retarded. We are both property virgins and I don't like to step into things this big without having some knowledge of what's going on and what's next . Also I like to have a back up in case things fall through. I wanted to go to Lowes, Home Depot and furniture stores to price things to see just what type of money we are looking to spend. We would have to buy appliances for that house, new floors for down stairs, landscaping for the backyard and furniture. I know there were some repairs we would be responsible for out of pocket and there were remodeling projects we had. I wasn't expecting all this to happen over night but before we got into something we couldn't get out of or afford I felt we needed to know. Maybe this was too much house for us. I showed my mom, dad, and uncle pictures of the house and some of the repairs that needed to be made and although it hadn't been said who would pay and repair what. Us or the Seller. I just got tired of having to defend FI and my decision for wanting this house when confronted by my family about the repairs and the cost involved. The price to travel back and forth to work on Metro has gone up. I'm metro accessible now and it  cost me $70 a week to get to and from work. Once living in the new house which is further out, that expense will increase not only because of distance from the station to my job but I would have to drive to the station because no buses run in that area and pay for parking IF available. Getting this house in the middle of the school year and having to pull the troll out of school and get her in a new school isn't a pleasant issue I'm ready to deal with yet and how that will affect her mentally and us financially (new uniforms, aftercare, getting her stable in the house so she can get a good night sleep,  etc.....) I was beginning to second guess if this was something I was ready to take on and if this house is for me.  Because FI and I weren't on the same page about this I was really worried but I was willing to ride it out at least to see what the deal was before we had to sign on anybody's dotted line. A few nights ago I was watching HGTV and it was an episode where this family got duped by a false inspection. What they thought was a simple plumbing problem that may have gotten overlooked (so they thought) became an electrical, plumbing, gas, HVAC and pest issue. They had to vacate their house for 3 weeks, The front yard had to be dug up, the basement flooring was tore out, basement and kitchen gutted, the entire house had to be rewired, the gas lines had to be done this mess cost $100,000.00 plus. The house wasn't safe for them or their kids. That really bugged me out. So yesterday I decided to review the pics I took on the house and just let FI know how I was feeling about all this. I went to review the listing on the house and I noticed the status had changed. Long story short I researched a few things and contacted the realtor and he said the house was no longer available it was being sold to someone else. I took a sigh of relief inside, a little happy that its no longer our headache, happy about the possibility of being eligible for the extension on the tax credit that may get extended in an upcoming vote by congress this week. But now I'm wondering #1 how long had it been under the new status, #2 when was the realtor gonna tell us, #3 did  he even know and if so why didn't he say anything. His nonchalant attitude bugged me too. I talked to FI and its seems we both weren't the least heart broken about this. We just chopped it up to having more time to getting the scores higher.

 Now on top of this news I received a letter in the mail today from my landlords realtor giving us first right of refusal to buy the house I reside in now. For $340,000.00!?!?!? YEAH RIGHT! Its not even worth half as much they are asking. The letter is a copy of a fax and I think it was very unprofessionally done. Its not even on certified letterhead for the realtors company. But whatever I don't want the house anyway. Now I'm worried about how much time I have in that house until I have to move out before somebody buys it. If somebody buys it.  So the search for a home I/we can be comfortable and afford to live in continues. I have heard so much about this one realtor Dee Barino. I even googled her and read so many positive reviews and things about he. I'm just thinking about emailing her and giving her a go. She has 20 years success in the business. The realtor we have now is cool but he is very half assed about showing us what we asked for and need. Its a mixture of partially what we want and partially what he wants to sell. I don't even know anything about this man background or how long he been in the business except that he works for ReMaxx and all the other extra lingo he put on his website. FI brought him to the table so I think I will bring the new realtor to the table and see what results we get. Having 2 cant hurt and I already asked FI what he felt about it and he is cool with it. So as soon as I'm done with this I'll be emailing her. Funny that while typing this,  the realtor we have now just sent an email of new homes to see mostly this weekend (holiday weekend) or Monday since we are off. Just glancing at the addresses I don't get impressed anymore.  4 out of 8 are in an area we told him NO to but I'll fall back with this one an observe how FI handles him and this.

Well since its no longer our headache and now someone else's I can share the pictures I took.  Then clear the memory from my camera to make space for the new pics I will take in the future. Ill label the pics at a later date.

Slide show of the house No Longer Our Headache

The Love Life.

Still the same, nothing has changed. I've been too tired and consumed with everything else weighing heavy on my mind and heart to even be bothered this week. I enjoyed the time we spent Saturday and hated to see it end. But I was also happy for the brief peace of mind and quiet time away from the family. This week I did wish more and more that we lived together so that I could get some relief and help with the little one. Someone to snuggle up to would have been nice but that wasn't important this week. I didn't stalk any wedding blogs or wedding website for ideas this week. I only ran an idea about wedding options past my mom and that blew up so enough about that and involving other ppl for now. I'll focus on the most important and if I must deal with the less important I'll do it when I'm bored and searching for something to get into.

My Happiness.

Has been almost non-existent this week. I have questioned rather I'm a good mom, fiancé, friend and person overall this week. I have wondered who really has my back. Who are my real friends.  What to do with the imposter's. Who really cares about what's important to me. Who really cares and supports my child and family. How to keep those who are only out for self and their personal gain at bay an away from harming me or my family.

My family, immediate and extended, worry me. One minute we are close knit and the next minute it is so much separation it boggles me. I've tried several times and my lil bro has tried to pull everyone together. I give up. I'll let someone else have the headache I got too much on my plate right now. Just know when it finally happens I'll be there.

I'm a work in progress. Mentally and Physically. Inside and Outside. I have such a lump in my throat as I type this. I can be such a cupcake at times..

On that note this post is long enough. I'll cut it here. Its a holiday weekend but I really don't have any plans. After I get rid of the Troll I just may cut my phone off  and stay in bed. I just want a break from everybody. The Troll, FI and the boys all have plans for the weekend.

Any comments or questions are welcome in the comments section. I promise to respond. This may be quicker and better than texting me. I'm serious about cutting the phone off.  Be Safe and Have Fun this weekend!

Hugs and Butterfly Kisses !!!

--
"Live Laugh Love"

My Heart aches!!!!

This week has been very long and trying for me I was gonna blog about how pitiful life is right now. However, after getting the news about baby Cohen  whose story Ive been following for quite some time
my life isn't so bad right now. I'm gonna take a blog moment of silence for baby Cohen. My update coming soon.

His story is below

http://www.inthiswonderfullife.com/2010/06/cohens-newspaper-clip.html

Please Pray for the Marshall family in their time of grief and for the strength to cope thru all the pain and sorrow.


~Hugs and Butterfly Kisses