17 June 2010

Just some things that have crossed my mind a few times this week.

~ so proud of mini me. Her first recital and she did a great job. I'm excited she won the contest. Even more happy to see who is really in my corner to help support me and mine. My family never fails to surprise me.

~ I had a proud moment when someone outside of my circle told me I was doing a great job raising mini me. That reassurance was right on- time.

~ we found a house Saturday. I like it alot. The fiancé says "it's the one" I'm down with that, I think. Just not excited. Is that bad? I do want a second tour to really grasp what I'm getting into. The kids there were kind of a distraction.

~The fiancé and I have long stopped using condoms so should I be concerned the he has 3 Magnum condoms in his armrest?

~I've been feeling real un-pretty lately. Hair just won't act right. I'm tempted to embrace the wash and go look it's just too much work in the morning.

~ Since we about to jump into this long and expensive home buying process maybe I should cancel my trip to Miami my birthday weekend and just spend the day at the spa. But what fun is that with no where to go afterwards.

~I want a pencil skirt, some new maxi dresses, some cute booties and a bad ass dress to go with it. No where particular to go in it.

~we gotta get this potty training in check

~I need to go to costco and buy a case on Monster Slim Jim Original

~I'm grown yet I'm hiding the matches and pack of Black & Milds in my bag.

~I need a makeover and a sponsor. Any Volunteers?

~ I'm ready to start packing and getting rid of stuff but I ain't going no where fast.

~ I love this new Eminem CD.

~Don't have a permanent or set date yet but wedding plans appear to be promising. Don't know how I feel about that yet either. I'm not announcing that this go round either. I'll let him I still lack the excitement I once had.

That's All for now,

Hugs and Butterfly Kisses

08 June 2010

So Here We Are....

It's 2010. We still live separately and still not married.
I think about marriage every now and then but the thoughts don't consume me or make me depressed anymore. I browse the wedding blogs, wedding dress sites and watch very few wedding shows now just for kicks. My attitude now is "If it Happens Great, If Not that OK too". However, not being married or having a date in sight does make me cautious about buying a house. I'm not sure if I can go into purchasing a house with him with just the idea that we will get married some day. I need something more solid.

We have done everything else ass backwards I just want to do some thing right
So where are we:
Still living separately. I'm at the same residence, just me and mini me. He still lives with his family but in a bigger house farther away from us. He has a larger room now than the room he had at the old house. And he has upgraded his furniture. Because of the distance I have been spending the weekends there with him and the little one.

The week of Mini Me's birthday shortly before Christmas last year we began to spend the weekends over there so that we would be together for her day and the holidays. I spent the entire Thanksgiving Day and weekend with him and his family. Didn't see my family or get to them until the following week (that was rough being as though I never missed a Turkey Day with my family since my grandfather passed).

During the first blizzard (December 09) just me and mini-me where snowed in together. When the storm let up he came and got her by the end of the week and she stayed through Christmas to the New Year. I arrived at his home the week of Christmas and stayed till the New Year. We spent NYE together at my house. Just me, him and mini-me. 30 minutes into the new year and he was out the door off to work. {Work hasn't changed much}.

We were snowed in together for 2 weeks during the 2nd Blizzard (Feb. 2010) and snowstorm at his house with the entire fam. That was eventful and fun at times. We survived without 1 fight and nobody got hurt. We even got to celebrate his birthday. We couldn't go out but I did cook one of his favorite meals and we were granted the alone time in his room, no kids. Even though the time spent was needed and not bad I was glad to see the snow go so I could get back to my home with less people and not as busy. I was even glad to get back to work.

Valentines Day weekend we spent with our kids in Raleigh,NC. Mini me and the Fiance went to a Father Daughter dance at a museum on Saturday. The son and I spent an evening in the hotel eating and watching his favorite shows. We bonded a little. That Sunday (valentines day) I ordered breakfast in bed, room service for the fiance and kids. They ate more than he did. But after we checked out we took them to the children's museum for a few hours. Stopped at Krispy Kreme and Mo Joes then headed home.

Mini Me started Ballet and Tap dance classes shortly before the blizzard her classes are every Saturday from Jan. to June and every Friday and Saturday from April to June. So since the fiance lives closer to where her classes are he picks her up every Thursday and I join them later that evening and we stay till Sunday. I can't promise I'll stick with this routine every weekend once these classes are over. I miss sleeping in on Saturday mornings in my bed. I love being up under and beside him but I just miss being in my own comfort sometimes. I miss cooking Sunday dinner in my own kitchen knowing where everything is. Being as though I only have free time on the weekends and I'm at his house so much, my DVR free space is very low. I have a lot of shows to catch up on so I can free up some space for the summer line up. By the time we get home on Sundays settle in and unpack. I don't wanna cook. I just wanna get ready for the work week and chill. So only time will tell how often I spend the weekends there. I just hope it doesn't create conflict or an argument. I don't want this routine to become an obligation and I want him to understand that I just want to stay home sometimes.

Now the relationship:
We have our good days and bad days. The Bliss is gone but we are working to get that back. We have reinstated date nights. and family nights wit the kids. We just have to work a little more not to let that get away from us again. He is starting to make me feel as in if he appreciates me almost as much as I appreciate and love him... The "little things" have come to a halt and that may be my fault. I started it but then stopped because I started to feel that my efforts went unnoticed and unappreciated. I'm hopeful we will get back there. I Miss Us. I miss the flowers, the cards just because, the late night phone calls, the surprise visits during the week to just cuddle in bed, the occasional gift just because he was thinking of me, and the compliments. Shytt a girl loves to know that she still got it. That she still attracts her man. That she still holds his attention.

Wedding what Wedding:
Still no wedding date. But like I said I'm not bothered as much anymore. It would be nice, a girl can dream though. I don't discuss it much unless he brings it up. Don't want to come off desperate or like a nag. In the very beginning I was anxious because I was excited he proposed. At one point I didn't see marriage in my future. It wasn't that I didn't think I was marriage material. I was just never one to fantasize like most girls about my wedding. I have seen too many marriages fail that I just didn't make it a goal or dwell on the possibility. Maybe I should bring it up so we have an understanding when it comes time to sign those papers on the new house.. HMMMM

Regarding "the new house":He still wont get an apt. with us. But we have seen a lender and got a good faith estimate on how much house we can afford and guidelines on what we need to do to get out credit and $$$$ right. We have been meeting with a realtor to look at potential houses.
In the meantime, because we want above average great credit, we are in the building stages. I'm also on the market for a new apt. Nothing fancy but something spacious, clean, quiet and livable until we get the house. The landlord of the house I'm in now has decided she wants to sell. So we (me and mini me)got a few months or so to make a move. The fiance has gotten quite comfy where he is. I just hope it doesn't delay the moves we are trying to make. The thought is bothersome but I think we will get through.
So as you can see we are still a work in progress. A lot of work but I'm UP FOR THE JOB!!!.

Until next time,Hugs and Butterfly Kisses!

07 June 2010

Where I was a few years ago (very very long)

All My Old Blogs post combined. Wasn't my love life depressing. This just a summary of where I was 3 years ago. My next post will be about whats different.

My First Post- Where do I start Pt. 1

Wow. Who knew I would get to this point. A lot of questionable things going on in my life right now. This year I want things to be different. I have goals that I want to meet and starting March 1st I plan on getting on the ball. January and February I will use to research and get my plan in order. My #1 Goal is Genuine Happiness. I need a new outlet. Writing in my journal was becoming routine and old. So,  I'm on my PC @work and @home a lot so this was a perfect alternative. Besides, the feedback isn't one sided. Other than just me reflecting on whatever the issue is at the moment. I can get feedback from YOU, the reader, if you care to comment. Feel Free.
It's almost time for me to get off and go home so I have to break it down into 2 parts. I can be very long winded so I'll try to keep it brief. I'm 20 something, engaged and the mother of a beautiful 2 yr old girl. She is the light of my life and the joy in my world. My fiancee (the father of my child) and I have been together for a little more than 5 years now. .And engaged for a year and some change. To say that I'm happy wouldn't be completely honest or false. I'm on the fence right now. I was more happy before we got engaged  wondering if he would ever propose, than I am now. I often wonder if we can make it. Don't get me wrong I love this man with everything in me. We have been through so much and fought to be together. Its just that we have hit more snags concerning the marriage that I'm starting to wonder if he really wants to marry me or just stay engaged for a minute. If he just came to me and said "Baby , lets enjoy being engaged for a while before we jump into things". Thats not the case I even asked him if thats what he wanted he said "no". I even questioned his proposal and the motives behind it. His family (mainly brother in-law) asked about us getting married a lot and when he finally proposed he didn't even spread the word. I was one who told everyone. I asked him if he proposed because of pressure or because he wanted to, he said because he wanted to. He said he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he thought the time was right to propose.
The proposal in itself was original. The ring, not a big rock but it was.....cute! I'm not the easiest person to read so he did his best being as though he didn't ask those who know me well for help.. Thank God we are picking out the wedding rings together.
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!   Right?  WRONG?!?!?!
If all is cool and I'm just being a little insecure then Why:
Don't we live together?
Don't we have a wedding date? Not even a year in mind?
Wont he commit to getting a house or an apartment right now with me?
Why do we hit so many snags?
I'll explain in my next post. So check me lata.
ButterFly Kisses

Hello Again! My mood today is calm. What a rainy and gloomy day.  Once again I'm posting this close to quitting time and then I have to head to my PT. Sooo where did I leave off..
Why don't we live together? Well I lived at home up until a month after I found out I was preggers. I needed a bigger space to accommodate me and my bundle of joy. Also living  with my lil bro who had just turned 21 I didn't want to expose my child to all the germs and confusion of all his friends and girlfriends passing through. So I needed to branch out on my own again anyway.  I got a 1 bedroom apt that my dad found for me through an associate and the rent deal was SWEET. 1 bedroom all utilities included for under $500. Nice and spacious. My fiancee and his son were there almost everyday during the summer. So it was like we were living together but not quite. I paid all my bills and bought the groceries. He may have contributed to the groceries once or twice but solely it was all me. Once school started he was in between home and my house. Mainly because his son (whom he has sole custody of) was in school and needed the attention and also he wanted to be there for me. So things started off that way and it was cool. I'm still here in the same 1 bedroom apartment. We live about 20 minutes away from eachother.
Why don't we have a wedding date? Not even a year in mind? He claims he is trying to get his "ish" together financially and think we should by a house before we get married. (NOT HAPPENING) I have begun to meet with a financial advisor in order to make sure my credit is str8 and saving money for a house/home,  wedding and just to be ok financially in general.   So when I asked him to give me a date  or atleast and estimate on a year he say he cant call it.   Which takes me back to wondering about his motives.
Why won't he commit to getting a house or an apartment right now with me?  For the same dumb ass excuse as above but adding the fact that he thinks its crazy to pay all that money to get an apartment when mortgage on a house would cost us about the same. Genius (NOT) we don't have the money to put down on  house right now.  My suggestion is that we get an apartment and maybe get a year or a 6 month lease. If mortgage is gonna be about the same amount that we would pay for a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment then why not get an apartment as a trial run to make sure that we can handle to rent and take care of all the bills with comfort and also to make sure that we can cohabitate together. Spending 2 and 3 days at a time at my house isn't the same as living to together. When you get mad there is no other house to go to if we live together so we gotta work it out. My apartment is too small for the 4 of us so a bigger apartment is the answer right now.  He wants to do things backwards when I'm tryingto be safe about it.
Why do we hit so many snags? There are a few answers to that one. I guess because I'm anxious and ready to make moves and he is stagnant and ok with that. Also we both have goals we want to reach and they just aren't happening fast enough. Mainly because we function in a few different areas as in if we are still single and not a couple
Gotta Go! I will update later. I promise. Be Breezy!!!
 ButterFly Kisses
Well about 30 seconds before I started to type this entry my mood was so so. BUT my NY GIANTS just scored a touchdown and I am in such a great mood. I think they got this one. Which is well deserved. It has been 7 years. OK now that I have said that let me get to my lil drama for the day. 
Wait!! Game Over GO NY GIANTS!!!!! 17-14
At this point it really doesnt matter right now. I'm happy that my Giants have won.  I guess I'll wait until tomorrow to share the events of my weekend and how I feel about them.
Be Breezy!    
ButterFly Kisses

It's Monday again. Back to the 9 to 5 grind. It was so hard for me to get up this morning. I had a long weekend. I didn't have to work as many events as I usually do so most of my weekend was doing what I wanted.
Friday after the day job, I  headed to the Wizards vs. Jazz game. That was fun but it was a late game so I didn't get in until after 12am. Put the little one to bed then it was time to get up again 8am Saturday morning to drop the little one off with her dad then I was on my way to the Georgetown vs. Seton Hall game. G-town won of course. I love to watch the students heckle the visiting team.  I got out of there at 3 and headed to Bar Louie's to meet a couple of female friends for a drink or two and just have grown up conversation in a grown and sexy atmosphere. Which is much needed after working all week(sometimes at both jobs) and coming home to dress Mr. Potato head a dozen times while we watch Play With Me Sesame on repeat. Once I left there the B called to inform me that he and my brother were able to move my new furniture in my apartment without too many problems. He asked what time I was going to pick up Pooh (our daughter) and I told him I was on my way. Which was true but I made a detour to stop at the mall for some retail therapy before picking her up and heading home. I really needed that. So much has been on my mind regarding our relationship and this engagement. We can sit and talk about it but sometimes when we are done I feel like a lot has been said but nothing resolved or answered. Anyway when I got in the house Saturday night. My house was a MESS. The bedroom was crazy from rushing to get dressed and out the house on time that morning I had a sink full of sippy cups and my family room was the biggest mess of all. The new furniture was just placed in there and left. Pooh's toys were all over the place. Puzzles, Doll Babies, baby doll strollers, books, and both of her bikes. If I never realized or admitted it before I definitely know now how spoiled my 2 year old is. After getting her in her PJ's I cleaned up the bedroom first. Then washed the sippy cups. Fixed her a snack and turned on Play With Me Sesame.Once she was situated and out of my way. I began to break down and moved old furniture and put the new furniture where I wanted it. All while cleaning up her toys and rearranging her play area in the family room.Once I was done we sat and enjoyed the new room for a while. I put Pooh in her bed after she fell asleep. Then attempted to watch TV but I was too tired. Sunday we chilled in. We got up too late to even think about church. I didn't have a sitter established for that evening so B and I didn't go to his friendsor fams SuperBowl Party. He came over for a while even though he was still on the clock. We ordered pizza and watched a movie. The game came on and we watch the 1st Qtr. His phone started going crazy so he said he had to leave to get back to work. So it was me and the little one. We played together and channel surfed then  I watched the last 10 minutes or less of the game and the rest is in my post form last  night. Nothing dramatic this weekend.
Till Next Time!
ButterFly Kisses

I'm sitting here watching True Life on MTV and its about two girls journey to motherhood. At the end one of the couples broke up but they remained living together. The guy pretty much broke it off with the mother of his child but did not give her a solid reason why. Their lease was to be up in a month. The guy wanted to get a new apartment with his son's mother and continue raising him with her in one home. She was undecided about what she wanted to do. As I sit and think about that situation. I'm sitting here thinking to myself he has his cake and is gonna eat it to. That is if she accepts and decides to continue to live with him.  I'm no where near that same situation as she is but I have been told that B is getting his cake and eating it to because of the way I allow things to flow in our relationship. People have ask why haven't we walked down the aisle yet. Yes he proposed but that doesn't mean he is ready to walk down the aisle tomorrow. We have done and completed the marriage counseling but to be honest I didn't gain much from it. I have even heard on more than one occasion the old saying Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I've even heard that recently. However I believe that I have painted a perception that is incomplete. I made it seem like he proposed and after a few days of coming off the news and the excitement that things went back to us as in if he never proposed with me occasionally trying to figure out what he wants to do and when. Well before I get any deeper in this post let me explain what happened to lead to where I am now.
Let me give you background
Ok my FI (fiance) proposed Christmas Morning 2006. Trying not to be so typical I waited until after the new year to even look at a bridal magazine, spread the news, decide a date or any of that fun stuff. So WE decided to get married in 08 WE went through each month to decided a date to make sure it didn't clash with either of our birthdays, our kids birthdays or special family holidays. May was the month.WE decided May 10, 2008 the day before mother's day.  Then as I began to think about all we are trying to accomplish in just a year I wasn't sure it was possible. Planning and paying for a wedding ourselves with little help, my dad (who just got finish paying my sister's last year of college) offered a few G's, paying for the honeymoon, buying a new house and making sure the kids are taken care of not wanting and needing anything. It's quite a bit to do. I have been at my job for 7 years so I'm comfortable here and stable.  I also have a part time that I absolutely love. He is in Law Enforcement. We have sat and talked about this numerous times about getting all this done. Over and over. I was doubtful an a bit freaked out, but he along with my mom kept assuring me that everything would work out. It is now February and we have yet to find a house that we both can be comfortable with. Either its too small not enough rooms or too much for too little. With his hours it's almost like I have to do everything alone the planning and house hunting.
One night we were both at work text messaging each other and I was in the midst of having an anxiety attack. I was so upset that I'm doing it all by myself and he wasn't much help. We do have a budget and/or idea of what we wantto spend and while pricing a few reception locations and photographers, videographers I was getting discouraged because of the steep prices some vendors had. I'm not a settle for anything type person so hearing these prices and coming up short on some of my searches was discouraging. His answer to it all was just tell me how much it is and I'll put in the time to get it. Wrong answer! We see each other very little now and you want to put in more time. I'm already on pins and needles now trying not to worry as much about you when your at work now you want to put in more time.
So then he,my mom and now even my god-sister have managed to convince me that everything will work out and to stop worrying and just have a little patience. So I went back to planning (still no fun yet) and my FI had some time off and really had some time to think. He now realizes everything that I was complaining and worrying about is not gonna be a easy as he made it seem in a year time (less than a year now)  So we are in the car on the way to pick up tickets for a free 3 day/ 2 night vacation to the Bahamas (that we won in a raffle at a bridal fair) and he says "would you be mad if I wanted to change the wedding date".  I said "that depends on the reason". Then he goes into this long spill. "Well baby I have sat and thought about all we are trying to accomplish and while it all can be done we really wouldn't be comfortable trying to pull things together once we got back from our honeymoon" (Duh this is what I have been trying to tell you all this time)" So can we just focus on getting the house and just living before we get back into wedding planning?" (ARE YOU SERIOUS) I was a bit shocked and numb. After all that convincing you all did to finally get me to believe it will all work out and now you want to tell me I was right to panic. I want to cry right now my emotions are so mixed up. So now my wedding date has gone from May 10, 2008 to TBD 2009? 2010? possibly.

I have since thrown away all the the magazines, wedding planning books, journals, etc... I have no idea what to do with this energy now.  I still get emails and paraphanelia in the mail that has to do with weddings and receptions and I try to delete it and keep it moving but it gets me down. So much on my mind right now but this is enough for 1 post..
Sorry so long and please excuse the typos and misspellings. If I have confused you somewhere just let me know and I'll explain.

What's a girl to do!

What A Night!

I have such a migraine right now. I have taken 2 advils and hour ago an I still feel like shytt. Today has been a day. I took off work so that I could go downtown to DMV to get a few things str8. I didn't get up as early as I would have liked to because I wanted sleep in a little longer but I did get there at a decent time. I so HATE DC Govt. They gave me the run around for about a good hour before I started to get things resolved and taken care of. It took all of 3 hours. I have never been at the DMV that long. Only task left to do is get my registration renewed which is very critical now because it expires tomorrow. I hope that goes rather well tomorrow.
Anyway now I'm sitting in the house watching TiVo. Catching up on shows that I missed. I don't watch much TV during the week due to working,watching Play With Me Sesame with my lil one, or reading together with her.  But that's that. I don't mind spending the night in with her. I haven't been out on a Friday night that wasn't work related in sooo long. Me and the man haven't spent QT time together in a minute since the scavenger hunt I put together for him on New Years Eve weekend.  I'm so lonely. I miss him and I don't have many friends. My last relationship before this one I allowed my ex to alienate me from my friends. Once I realized he had too much control, I ended it. It was too late, but oh well, a few friends stuck by me. However, just like me they have kids and responsibilities as well. They all started having babies before I did so its not like our kids are all around the same age. I'm in a bracket all alone.  I just want to let my hair down, go out every once in a while and have grown conversation with grown folks. My mood fluctuates alot. I have avoided blogging because of my mood.
My emotions are so frazzled right now. I almost cried in CVS today reading a birthday card for him. His birthday was yesterday. Did we celebrate? NO He didn't take off work so neither did I. I learned my lesson the week/ weekend of my birthday. (That's another post all together.) Anywhoo. Did I cook? Yes. (his favorite at that) Did he show up? NO. I hate his work schedule but if it was something he wanted to see on TV or if he was feeling "anxious" he wouldn't have had problems getting here. Its hard to plan things because of his schedule. Usually I tell him what I want to do and most of the time he finds the time to get away from work. But I can not just plan anything on a humble. I was a bit pissed last night but me and the little one had to eat so I was gonna have to cook anyway. It just didn't have to be Steak, Bake Potatoes and Steamed Broccoli. He and I spoke on the phone briefly but that was it. My dad stops by on Thursdays to get "G-Pa" time in with the little one. So food didn't go to waste. I'm just pissed the he didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was trying . So later last night I asked him to join me for lunch but the DMV took up most of my time. When I called him and let him know about the events of my day he was cool about it but said it was too late to get anything to eat because he had a few errands to run before he had to head in to work. So maybe we can do something at a later date. WTF? It wont be this weekend, I got too much to do. The week doesn't really work for us to get out and do anything.. I'm not even gonna attempt on V-day. I'll buy my little girl a gift and maybe take her to Chuck E. Cheese. We are going to Disney on Ice Friday. As far as he is concerned nothing but a card. I'm not attempting dinner or the movies or anything. The sad thing about this is I have tried to talk about the way I feel with him but he gets on the defensive about his job and the hours he puts in. Its like I'm not even being heard. I'm just trying to let it ride but its hard.  Even getting over the fact of not getting married or even knowing when we will saddens me. They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger. I guess I'm getting hella strong but its eating me up inside. I stopped at CVS today to get him and the little one a V'day card.  I ran across this card that said:
The way you Touch Me
The way you Hold Me,
The way you Love Me,
I'm not just Missing You
,I'm missing "US" too!
That was it for me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Damn. I miss his companionship, his company, I miss him. Damn if you hadn't read previous post you would think I was coming off a fresh break up. I just wish we could get to loving eachother again and not going through the motions. It feels like we are just dealing with eachother instead of loving and enjoying eachother. Cant say I don't try, He gets a text or vm everyday that says either I love him, Miss him, or I'm thinking of him.We see eachother in passing. Shytt is crazy.  It's taking its toll on me. I'm snapping on the lil girl a little too much when she gets out of line. I don't spank or hit her but I do fuss when she pulls out too many toys at a time. Or climbs up on the dresser to play in Baby Oil and Lotion or when she makes her potty her step stool so she can play in water. This evening she took all her puzzles out (6)  and just  flipped them over then walked away to something else. I yelled and told her to clean it up. She just looked at me so innocently and said "Mommy stop yelling." That hurt me so bad I couldn't do nothing but hug her and say I was sorry. I gotta find a better way to deal with this. Let me get off my soap box. This is getting so depressing. What's Girl to Do?

This has nothing to do with anything but I think it's time for me to get back into going to church on a regular. I stopped right after the premarital classes. I got away from God a long time ago. I have seen so much corruption and false prophets in the church that now I have mixed feelings. But atleast if I don't get anything out of it I can atleast restore my relationship with god and start praying again. Maybe I'll go back to my family's church. I need peace of mind. So much has been happening around me. Maybe god is trying to tell me something.  I gotta start somewhere. ugh I sound so depressing. I'm ending this post now. Yall Be Easy!

Butterfly Kisses

Just Monday

Back to the grind of the 9 to 5.  My day at the DMV Saturday went rather well. I was in and out with what I needed in less than and hour. I also had the little one with me. She wasn't as busy as I thought she would be. Maybe because she was just waking up from a nice car nap when we got there. We spent a few hours together then I took her to her dad's house so that I could get to my PT. I sat there for awhile and played with my godson who is now 2 months and getting big. The lil booger weighs 12lbs already.After holding him for awhile I was on my way. The concert wasn't half bad. Barry Manilow was quite entertaining. I think one of his back up singers was a little "extra" but overall I would say the fans got their money's worth. Afterwards I picked up the little one and headed home.
 I'm not gonna bore you every entry with relationship drama but things between us are very awkward. A little tension was added last night when I asked him who changed my daughter's diaper while she was there come to find out "NO ONE". Talk about heated you mean to tell me from 4pm -12am you giving her all types of water and juice and she was not changed until I returned to come pick her up. But yet he doesn't understand why I'm always upset because she doesn't seem to get a diaper rash until she visit his house. I was heated and felt a little bad for my boo boo. She was so irritated that she didn't even want to wear a diaper sunday. She whined just about all day. I let her run around the house "free" for a while. We working on the potty training anyway.
Most of  the evening I spent at the laundry mat while mom dukes watched the baby. I have never been to the laundry mat on a Sunday or during the day. I will never do it again. There was so many people in there and had there kids running around like it was a play ground. I missed the Grammy's but from what I'm told I didn't miss much I did get to see Extreme Home Makeover After the Laundry Mat I was in for the night. Now I'm back in here and off to the PT once I'm off here at the FT. Anywhoo not much to talk about. Can't wait till I get the taxes done. So I can pay off bills and get in some much needed RETAIL THERAPY. 
Be Breezy! 
Butterfly Kisses

What a Week (long)

It's been a minute but I am back. So much has happened since I last posted.
It was an ordinary day. I went to work came home but before I came home I had to stop and get the little one something special. When I got home I took a shower, put on the cute PJ's and began to prepare dinner.  Trying to cook and keep babygirl from eating the chocolates that were from her to her dad before he even got there was a task in itself.  When he got there dinner was almost ready and his gift and card were on the table.  I Love Love LOVE Strawberry Shortcake, We ate dinner together. Well we ate while the little one bounced of the wall from all the chocolate. Then we watched a movie and just chilled. My dad stopped by and then the fiance was off to work. That was it for the night. Gave the baby a bath and it was lights out for her.
Friday 2/15/08
I took the little one with me to work and they loved her at the daycare. They were amazed at how intelligent and witty she is at 2. After work we went to the Verizon Center for Disney's Finding Nemo on Ice. I really enjoyed that time together with her. It made up for all the nights I had to work a little late. Not that she minded the extra time with daddy anyway. When the  first half started she was very wired off Cotton Candy (very rare that I let her have sugar and a lot of sweets so she was in heaven) She was happy to see Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Pluto and Goofy. Then she was upset that she couldn't leave with them so she decided to take a little nap. Slept through the whole first half. We walked around during intermission even bought an expensive ass $22 toy that she has only touched once since we been home and a $6 coloring book she has colored in everyday. I wish she saw that before we bought the toy. She stayed up the second half and enjoyed it. When we got home she couldn't stop talking about Nemo and Dory. I was happy sh enjoyed herself.
Week of  2/18/08
President's Day. I was off so I took babygirl to open gym for tumbling and gymnastics. She had so much fun the last time I took her so we went again this time since I had a free day. She enjoyed the trampoline, and sliding down the slide into the foam pit. When it was time to go Babygirl had made a little friend. Her name was Gracelynn. Her mom was really cool and she was closer to my age unlike any of the other moms in there.We kind made a connect and we both could feel the stares from the other moms who were mostly all stay at home moms. They obviously thought we were as young as we looked. Anyway we exchanged email addy's and agreed to a couple of play dates for our girls. Her and her husband invited me and my fiance to a wine tasting sometime next month.
Later that week I worked a Spice Girl concert. All those damn teenage girls in there dressed like their favorite spice girl and all the screaming got on my damn nerves. It was so weird to see them walking around in these skimpy clothes that they came in with. When the weather was 20 below and we were expecting snow or an ice storm. But by the end of the concert all you saw were jeans and Uggs. The overall performance was nice. The first half was lip singing and the second half they decided to turn their mics on. They didn't sound to great. They need to take their earnings and put Spice Girls back on the shelf. There were a lot of gay guys there with Spice "Boy" Shirts on. Who knew they had a gay following.
That Saturday we had a surprise birthday party for my grandmother. She turned 78. They also renamed her church's fellowship hall in memory of my grandfather. Overall it was very nice. We (baby and I ) spent the majority of the day at grandma's chilling wit most of the fam and the ones that were here from out of town.
 I did get to spend a little time with my fiance at the party but other than that nothing much and its frustrating as hell, However I am beginning to find other things to put that energy into. I have picked up a few more events at my PT. The other mommy that I connected with invited me into her book club. They are all around my age with a child or 2. I like to read and they meet once a month for dinner and a different event each month. So Im beginning to have some grown up fun. Its a start.(although I'm not looking for much)  They are going Ice skating this weekend and I don't have to work and I have a sitter. Also I'm going out this weekend with a few friends but let me explain why its friends and not my fiance.  Well last night after working the Bon Jovi concert (which was such a nice experience, kinda fun too) Babygirl was wit her dad and I swear that I didn't feel like going to pick her up. I had a late night the night before becuz of a late Georgetown game. I called him twice to ask if I was suppose to go get her or was he bringing her home. No answer so I went to sleep she was at his house so it wasn't like she was in the street. He called around 3am and asked what happened I told him I called twice no answer so I went to bed. He said he fell asleep laying down with her and that he would drop her off that morning. So around 630 this morning he brings her in changes her diaper and puts her in her bed. Then he comes and sits down on my bed and tells me that they are leaving at 1. I look up and say who is we and where are you going. He claims that he told me earlier that week  that he and a few of his family were going to Deep Creek cabins this weekend. I was heated because the last time we went we all went together. About 4 couples all family and it seems they were going again. He did mention that they were going the previous week but I had plans to go to my grandmothers party. He told me last minute so I couldn't go. He called his cousin who had put it all together and told her what was what and he had already put his half of the deposit down. He called me back and told me they postponed it and that was it until this morning when he dropped baby off. I was heated so now I'm like well its obvious you didn't expect me to go so who the hell you taking. He said nobody and went on to explain that his cousin and his son (adult son) was going and that they paid their full deposit. He said that since he only paid  half the deposit and didn't pay my half (because I couldn't go the initial weekend the decided) that he was going because he couldn't get his money back and would be sleeping on the couch since all the rooms in the cabins had been paid in full for by the time his cousin got back to him which supposedly wasn't till Wednesday to say they were going. In my mind I'm saying that's Bullshit. He saw me Wednesday night when I got off work he was watching babygirl. How convenient it is for your to take off at such short notice but let me want to go out and its an issue. Boy was I heated and he knows it but I wanted to go back to sleep since I had such a long day at work ahead of me so I tried to convince myself that he needed the break from work so maybe this was good for him to get away for a few days. I just dismissed him by saying, have fun, be safe, I'll try to call before you leave now turn my light out and leave the bedroom door open.
Now how do I really feel? All day it didn't bother me because I was happy I have a sitter and I get to go out this weekend and be grown. I didn't have to work my PT this evening so before his news this morning I thought maybe we would get to have a little time together. NOT SO. So when I got off I went and got my nails done and my hair cut. Short. Shorter than he would like it to be but I love my new choppy bob cut. He knew before today that I was gonna cut it, so no I wasn't rebeling or trying to do something to get back at him. He would like it long but its My Hair and it will grow back. I last had it cut in November and it is back past my shoulders (well was before 530 this evening) so it was a big cut. I Love it however and thats what's important. He will get over it. Now I'm home. I've fed and played with babygirl. She went to sleep on me. I've cleaned up the house and it's now 11:15 and I ready for bed. I'm upset. He called and I really couldn't talk to him. I'm so salty about this. I remember how much fun we had the last time we went and I'm wishing I was there. Its loud in the background, music, laughter, and conversation. He told me that it was snowing there and that they were going snow tubing and skiing tomorrow. That was the icing on the cake. It didn't snow last time we were there and it wasn't cold enough for the artificial snow so now I'm really hurt. I told him that it was too loud in the background and I couldn't hear him so have fun and call me some other time. He tried to stay on the phone saying he would go in another room. I said dont worry about it you didn't go down there to talk to me on the phone. So go have fun.   Now I'm sitting her watching Why Did I Get Married mad as hell. I refuse to go to bed but I'm not motivated to stay up. I don't want to go to bed  because I'm mad. I swear when things are going good between us something always happens to test me. I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I'm trying to get over this maybe tomorrow once I go about my day I'll let this go. Well maybe after I tell him how I really feel about his lack of communication and poor judgement. I let it go because I don't want to be the reason he doesn't enjoy himself. Although I know he is having a blast. I'm tired of the up and down with him. Ugh when will things get better.
Its late I'm irritated and don't feel like proofreading so please excuse the grammatical error a typos. 

Do I Call It Quits (Hella Long)

Well I finally got out and had adult fun and conversation. And Alcohol! Yay! Well it wasn't with the group of girls it was suppose to be with because I knew it would turn into a round table discussion about kids, relationships and  that sort of conversation. The very thing I was trying to get away from for a few hours. So I went out with a male friend of mine and had a blast. We went out to eat at a sports bar and watched a few b-ball games and then left the bar to go next door to a pub and had a couple of drinks and danced a little. I cant explain how much I enjoyed myself it was very much needed.

So Sunday I'm back in the house. Suppose to work the wizards game but I don't feel like it so I called in. I sat in the house with the little lady all day.  I'm still heated about the fiance being in Deep Creek without me. Also still fuming that he called in a bragging sort of way telling me about all the fun he is having and how I should be there. ( I got this call just before I ditched the girls for some real fun). So I asked him not to call me anymore about his weekend until he got home. I have decided to look out for myself a little more than looking out for us and finding more things for myself to do than for us to do. If I want to do something or go somewhere and he wont. So be it. I will go solo or take a friend or two. I realized that I'm getting myself in this dump while sitting around waiting on him. He seems to function on his time and his time only and I fault myself a little for that because anytime I want to do something with him I ask about his schedule and always make the needed changes in my life and my schedule to accommodate his. Not anymore. We are either gonna bump heads or have to compromise.

So after watching Finding Nemo twice (yes twice) and Play with Me Sesame the little lady finally went to down for a nap. Which gave me quiet time to myself I sat still for a good 30mins trying to figure out what the hell was going and how did I/we get there. So many thoughts in my mind. Then I finally sat down and watched the movie Why Did I get Married which I had been neglecting to watch for some time now. Wow is all I can say. Just Wow. I could relate to Angie and Marcus as well as Terry and Diane. I even did the little exercise of comparing the good to the bad. After the movie went off I watched What's Done In the Dark. Well I tried to but I was caught up in my thoughts. After that went off I just sat there with the TV on mute in my thoughts. Thinking about being out the night before. Although I was out enjoying myself my thoughts were all over the place. Thinking about my fiance and where he was and where I was. I'm having a good time but I'm thinking about him that's not a bad thing but why cant I just enjoy myself and think about him later. 

Fast forward to my thoughts now. I'm thinking about where we are. Just engaged. (Just as plain as it sounds no adjective here) We went from a 5/10/08 wedding date to TBD. And although I know the reason behind it (See one of previous posts) I cant understand why I just cant let it go and move on. Why I cant go back to how I was feeling before he proposed where I didn't care about being married so much back then. My attitude was there is a season for everything. Now the thought of married life consumes my thoughts so much. I hate the David's Bridal commercials, the wedding planning emails, the magazines and catalogs I get in the mail regarding weddings and honeymoons. Also the the invitations to bridal shows. I use  to watch any and everything that had to involve weddings.  Bridezilla, Bride on a Budget, Platinum Weddings, Whose Wedding Is It Anyway, Wedding Central, if it was on the WE or Style Channel I watched it. Even set the DVR to record them. Now that setting has since been deleted. My favorite show now is Divorce court believe it or not.  WHAT IN SAM"S HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I've even talked to him about it. I'm not happy at this point and he knows it. I even suggested couples counseling. He was against it said he didn't believe in paying someone to sit and listen to us talk and then give us suggestions on what they think might work. He did say that maybe I should seek counseling first to deal with my issues alone and if I still felt that we should do it together afterwards then he would try it.  Maybe it is all me and not him. He doesn't seem bothered at all by this. I'm fucking frustrated.

My biggest issue is why cant I just leave the wedding issue behind me and just continue on with our relationship as it was before the proposal. Why am I holding on to the fact that we aren't getting married or even planning anytime soon. I keep wondering if it's something I did but every time I ask I get the same answer it never changes. No. So why is it hard to believe. I get no action from him regarding house hunting or even making it seem like he is trying or ready to make a move. Maybe if he showed a little enthusiasm I would be OK. Maybe I have run out of patience. Am I Crazy? He doesn't want to elope of go to the J.O.P. Not even a destination wedding because some very important family memebers to him that he would want to go and witness it cant afford it. But if we plan now and set a date they could save up but that wasn't logical enough for him. So that leads us back to a wedding here. I just want to get past that I don't even care for a wedding anymore.. That very sentence right there just made it seem like I am desperate to get married. The very thing I didn't want. I do want to be married but I'm not desperate however. Living more than 30 minutes away from each other and working 2 jobs, we have a child together and he has custody of his son. At this point I only see him on nights I pick my daughter up when I have to work my PT. (at least we would see each other if we lived together) I'm tired of going through the motions.

I just want the married life. To have the house, the kids, the dog, TO BE HAPPY within our marriage. I'm tired of the back and forth between my house and his. I'm ready to do all the things I do now at my house (Thanksgiving Dinner, Christmas Dinner,Fight Parties, birthday parties, and get togethers) ibut in OUR house Together. I don't think that's asking too much. It simple and I thought we both wanted the same thing. Maybe its just me maybe I want it a little too much.

I love this man with everything in me and I will and have bent over backwards for him. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM. This has been an issue for me since June 2007. We have talked about it on and off but it wasn't until a few days ago that I mentioned the counseling or the fact that I'm having a hard time just letting the thought go.  I cant stand how he just carries on like it never happened. I have not been 100%  happy with us for the last 9 months. I wish he never proposed and in front of my family at that. They constantly asks about "the wedding" I'm tired of fabricating answers with a smile like sh*t is sweet. Its Not.

Do I just call its quits. I don't know if I can ever be happy again. If I just let it all go then wedding issue wouldn't bother me because there would be no relationship. I don't just want to throw away 5 plus years either. I don't think I can move on feeling like I didn't try. But when is enough enough? Am I missing something? What other options do I have? When will I get a good nights sleep? When can I regain the happiness we once had without that uneasiness in the pit of my stomach when he is around. AM I CRAZY? Where is the silver lining? What am I missing? Is calling it quits the answer? I love him to no end but is that enough?

01 June 2010


I have been wanting to get into this blogging thing for sometime now. I have several written journals at home but decided to give this avenue a try. I will mostly use this to vent about my various journeys in life. Most likely when my friends and family aren't available to lend an ear or criticism. I'll always have my laptop or cell nearby to just let it all out. My thoughts are usually all over the place but always concerning some activity in my life. Rather it be my journey through motherhood. My pending trip to the altar. My love life. How I've matured and grown over the years. Any present day drama or news going on in my life. Or in plain my trek to happiness.

Until next time,Hugs and Butterfly Kisses!